Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Progressive's Declaration of Dependence

Today, July 4th 2012, marks the two hundredth and thirty-sixth year of the existence of the United States of America.  On this date in 1776, 57 men signed the document that created the American republic, which has thus risen to become the greatest nation in the history of the world in terms of freedom, economic power, and military might that mankind has ever seen.  These brave signers truly risked their lives, fortunes, and sacred honors in establishing the Declaration of Independence as they were then considered guilty of sedition and treason by the British Crown.  The odds of a nascent America surviving to become the bastion of freedom it STILL is today were very great indeed.  But by seemingly Divine Providence, we won our independence from Great Britain and established that shining city on a hill called America.

Unfortunately, there are many of our fellow American brothers and sisters today that think America is evil and must be changed to align with their progressive designs.  Unfortunately our current President Obama seems to be amongst these folks.  With that in mind, I have been only mildly presumptuous in drafting a new declaration for these folks; a Declaration of DEPENDENCE, if you will:



When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for millions of amerikans to dissolve their allegiance which have connected them in equal station with all of America and to assume among them the rights of their progressive ideology, the separate and greater station to which nature, Mother Goa, and the Democratic Party entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of all rabble rousing protestors should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that your truth is not necessarily my truth, that government is the source and summit of our rights, and that the purpose of that said government is to solve whatever problems we would rather not confront ourselves, and to provide us with whatever entitlements we desire out of the public coffers.  That to secure these rights, our government should be instituted among hyper-liberal Men, Women, and transgender people, deriving their just powers from the various labor unions, progressive PAC’s, and liberal Democratic party members, regardless of the opinion of the majority of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the amerikans to alter, abolish, or form an “occupy” rally to intimidate government to acquiesce to our demands.    The history of the past Republican congress and President Bush, even though he was illegally elected by disenfranchising the votes of our progressive brothers and sisters in the state of Florida, is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world or at least to those that watch MSNBC or read the Huffington Post.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have insisted on governing “constitutionally”, instead of recognizing that the constitution is a living breathing document and is really more just a set of guidelines anyway.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to infringe upon our right to abortion on demand.  The government has no business making laws that affect life, no matter what the Declaration of INDEPENDENCE stated.  Why should we be “punished with a baby” after all?

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to enforce our national borders, thus potentially disenfranchising a whole new voting block of illegal alien Democrat voters.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to block Obamacare in order that single payer socialized medicine cannot be incrementally realized, thereby preventing the ushering in of a greater progressive utopia, even if health care services will suffer as a result.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to enact laws that would cut our welfare entitlements so that we would have to actually leave our parents’ basements, find work, and become self-sufficient against our wills.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to curb the already waning power of progressive unions by making public sector union employees actually pay for a slightly greater part of their health care and retirement.  Oh! The inhumanity of it!

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have brought contempt charges on our beloved Attorney General Holder simply because a few hundred (or thousand… whatever) people were killed in an illegal gun-walking operation with his knowledge, instead of realizing that this program was instituted for the greater good of ridding the nation of guns (at least by the law-abiding anyway) and thereby making irrelevant that silly second amendment thing.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have had a hissy-fit that our current beloved leader refuses to enforce the Defense of Marriage Act.  They still want to govern by the antiquated notion that marriage should be between a man and a woman.  We want to love, or at least lust after, in marital bliss (or at least on a trial basis) the person we so desire.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives actually want to cut government spending and balance the budget, when everyone knows that only through Keynesian economics and ever greater government spending of the dwindling tax payer dollars will we amerikans be able to get all of the goodies and rightful entitlements which we want. 

He and evil tyrannical conservatives want to cut taxes for the evil rich who refuse to pay their fair share, even though we bottom 50% of wage earners either pay no net taxes now or actually get a tax refund/credit.  If we cannot confiscate more of the tax dollars from all of the evil rich, how are we to fund our government-provided desires, aside from the federal reserve simply printing more money from thin air, of course?  (Note: George Soros, Warren Buffet, and any Hollywood liberal should be exempt from such taxation as they are working for the common good behind the scenes.)

We, therefore, the Representatives of the progressive movement of amerika, assembled in chat rooms, Starbucks, and union halls throughout the country, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world, John Roberts, for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the DNC, solemnly publish and declare, that these United States are, and of Right ought to be subjected to a new all-encompassing government that will govern not by some silly archaic constitution that was written hundreds of years ago by sexist, homophobic, old white guys, but rather by the will of the progressives that want to be governed by an all –powerful and benevolent federal government. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of the ACLU, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives (as long as they really aren’t in jeopardy), our Fortunes (as acquired from the evil and greedy rich), and our sacred Honor.  (So don’t you dare ‘dis us!)

3 comments:

John Myste said...

I had problems with some of this, too many to mention, but I will pick a few:

The government has no business making laws that affect life,

What progressive says that?!!! That contradicts the rest of the tone of the The Declaration of Dependence, which should have been the title of this post. Additionally, I would have left the introduction out and just gone right into the declaration.



The government has no business making laws that affect life, no matter what the Declaration of INDEPENDENCE stated.

I agree with that. The The Declaration of Independence is not my law.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to enforce our national borders, thus potentially disenfranchising a whole new voting block of illegal alien Democrat voters.

If only he had done as well as Obama has, perhaps he would have been a better Republican.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to block Obamacare in order that single payer socialized medicine cannot be incrementally realized, thereby preventing the ushering in of a greater progressive utopia, even if health care services will suffer as a result.

The last clause is a false assumption. Remove it, and I agree with this totally.

He and evil tyrannical conservatives actually want to cut government spending and balance the budget, when everyone knows that only through Keynesian economics and ever greater government spending of the dwindling tax payer dollars will we amerikans be able to get all of the goodies and rightful entitlements which we want.

I would remove this. They want to balance the budget when a democrat is in the White House, but expand it when Republicans are in the White House. Additionally, to get extra funding when Republicans are in the White House, they simply spend money not in the Budget, and simply don’t count that money. Therefore, this is too goofy to even be funny.

that these United States are, and of Right ought to be subjected to a new all-encompassing government that will govern not by some silly archaic constitution that was written hundreds of years ago by sexist, homophobic, old white guys

Amen Mr. Paine. I think I will include this in my favorite quote as a T. Paine original!!!!

T. Paine said...

Post: The government has no business making laws that affect life,

Myste: What progressive says that?!!!

>Why the ones that support Roe v. Wade! The ones that support pro-euthanasia laws like Oregon’s misnamed “Death with Dignity Law”. The ones that support the destruction of embryos for stem cell research. Those progressives say that with their actions, if not always implicitly with their words.


Myste: The The Declaration of Independence is not my law.

>I would humbly submit that the constitution is not the law of an overwhelming majority of progressives either.


Post: He and evil tyrannical conservatives have tried to block Obamacare in order that single payer socialized medicine cannot be incrementally realized, thereby preventing the ushering in of a greater progressive utopia, even if health care services will suffer as a result.

Myste: The last clause is a false assumption. Remove it, and I agree with this totally.

>Regrettably I cannot remove the last clause as I have already demonstrated ad nauseum how this is now and will continue to devolve to being entirely accurate, sir.


Post: that these United States are, and of Right ought to be subjected to a new all-encompassing government that will govern not by some silly archaic constitution that was written hundreds of years ago by sexist, homophobic, old white guys

Myste: Amen Mr. Paine. I think I will include this in my favorite quote as a T. Paine original!!!!

>Thank you, John. You helped to make my exact point, sir! Cheers to you and I hope your fourth of July was wonderful, even if it is the celebration of the birth of such an evil country.

John Myste said...
This comment has been removed by the author.