Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Cowboy Rules of the West

The cowboy rules for Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho and the rest of the west where rugged individuals still live are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Boston call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! (Refer back to #1!)

17. We don't care how you "did things back in California".  If you like the way things were done back there, then move back. 

18. We stand when the national anthem is played, face old glory, remove our hats, and cover our hearts as a sign of respect for this greatest nation on earth.  If that offends you, we suggest you move to another country.  Perhaps California or New York, as they also don't seem to like this country.

19.  We call our elders "ma'am" or "sir" also out of respect.  You got that, dude and dudettes?

20. We honor and support our police, fireman, and particularly our military.  Anyone that puts their butt on the line to protect or save you is worthy of that honor.

21.  Them there crosses you occasionally see on the side of the road, those are memorials set up out of respect for our friends and neighbors that might have wrecked and died there.  If this cross offends you, too bad.  And good luck taking your complaint to the ACLU... they ain't welcome in our states either.

If you can live by these rules, welcome and howdy!


Dave Splash said...

Not too liberal or whatever to admit that is a pretty funny post. However, I know plenty of conservatives who eat sushi :)

T. Paine said...

Conservatives that eat sushi?!?!

I don't believe you, Dave! :)

Dave Dubya said...

Sounds like where I come from. It ain't just out west.

John Myste said...

Thanks for the warning about this place. Someone should put up signs, lest an innocent traveler mistakenly wander there.

T. Paine said...

Myste, you are killing me, buddy!

I have an uncle that passed away last fall. His solution to keeping such unwanted travelers away from "our" lands was to put up a guarded border fence... around the state of California, that is! :)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Midwestern Iowa where I come from too! It' hogs and corn farmers here, but the sentiments are the same!

T. Paine said...

Anonymous, I have not had the pleasure of ever having lived in the Midwest, but I have met some very good folks from your neck of the woods, and I have no doubts that these same rules apply for them, my friend.