My priest recently said in one of his homilies something
that struck me as rather profound. He stated
that the most important symbol engraved upon a tombstone is neither the date of
birth nor the date of death; rather, it is the dash between those numbers that
is the most meaningful. It is what we do
with that dash, that time between our dates of birth and death that gives
meaning and significance to our life.
And this is true regardless of how long or short of a life that may be.
With the passing of my beloved wife last November, this
struck me to my very core. I have been
reflecting on Jenny’s life and have come to realize all of the people she had touched,
how many lives she changed for the better, and how many people she comforted
with her love when they felt despondent and alone. With all of the medical issues my Jenny had,
she could have easily retreated into her own self and cried “woes is me”! She was not one to play the victim though,
and I always admired and respected her immensely for that! Whenever she was physically able to do so,
and indeed sometimes when even that was questionable, she lived her life by
caring for and loving others. It was
something I saw her do again and again and again for the 25 years we were
together.
I am rather slow on the uptake most of the time, but she
taught me a lesson that I didn’t even pick up on until after she was gone. You see, most of the time the people that
Jenny helped showed her great gratitude, affection, and love in return. But there were some people that only wanted
more from Jenny, even when she could give any more. Those few people became bitter and spiteful
towards her when they couldn’t “get more” accordingly. Those broken relationships injured Jenny
deeply and left her feeling betrayed, and yet she never gave up on people. She remained vulnerable enough to put herself
out there to try and help and love others yet again.
Now many people when you ask them what they think vulnerability
means will respond with the answer that it is weakness. That is sure as heck what I was taught. Most men in my and preceding generations were
brought up with that same notion, I think.
I was taught that big boys don’t cry.
My boyhood heroes certainly wouldn’t show signs of vulnerability. You certainly didn’t see John Wayne throw his
feelings out on the table like so many cards.
He absolutely wouldn’t cry. Stoicism
and strength were something to be admired, particularly in men. And that is how I was raised and how I lived
most of my life to date. (Never mind
that most of the time these days I have become a great big wuss!)
But what Jenny and the example of her life showed me was
that REAL strength doesn’t come from living a stoic life. It doesn’t come from holding one’s self aloof
from others. Vulnerability is not
weakness at all. Indeed it is the very
antithesis of weakness. It takes great
courage and strength to be vulnerable and live your life being open to others,
even though showing such vulnerability might get you hurt.
My brother-in-law, Jenny’s brother, came to live with us a
year and a half ago. (This was because
once again Jenny was showing great courage in her vulnerability in reaching out
to her brother who didn’t have any place else to go at that time.) Jeff likewise showed great vulnerability in
agreeing to come live with us. Jeff has
lived a difficult life, and he would be the first to tell you that it was
largely due to his own doing. Jeff is a
fighter and is exceptionally tough with his street smarts, and yet he is like
his sister and indeed his whole family, as he exhibited that same kind of strength
in vulnerability. Jeff, despite being a
man’s man, was never afraid to tell me that he loved me. He has put himself out there literally giving
his last dollar in his wallet to try and help someone else that was worse off
than him. He too has been hurt in his
attempts to help others at times because of that strength in vulnerability, and
yet he perseveres also.
So now I am taking a new look at how I live my life this
past year. I am struggling, mightily at
times, to put myself out there more and more for others. I am trying to shed my more stoic and self-centered
exterior. I am trying to find the
courage to be vulnerable especially with my family and dear friends. While frightening and difficult at first, it
has become easier as time progresses.
I have a friend whom, along with his wonderful family, has
more or less adopted me this year. They
have filled many of my weekends with laughter and happiness, not to mention
wonderful meals. (Being a fat man, that
is something very dear to me!) I am very
grateful for their friendship and told them so last time I was at their home and
that I loved them all very much. At
first there was an awkward moment. After
all, guys just don’t do that these days, but then they each responded that they
too loved me.
I am not going to go through life holding back anymore. If somebody has touched my life or allowed me
the privilege of coming into their lives and touching them, then I am going to respond
with gratitude and let them know it! I
want to find and hold on to that courage to live my life in the strength of
vulnerability.
Living in my own shell certainly was not a life. It was an unsatisfying and unfulfilling
existence. My choosing to love God and
to love my neighbor as myself by being open and vulnerable to others has proven
to be a much more rewarding life. I know
that is what Jenny did and what she would want me to do.
Indeed, her wish for me was that if anything ever happened to
her that I would fall in love and get married again. She said that I had too much love to hold
that inside of myself. Well, I don’t
know about all of that, as she always brought out the best in me. I will leave my path open to what God wants
me to do whether that is marriage, should the right woman come along, or perhaps
taking Holy Orders and entering the clergy.
Perhaps I will remain single and simply live my life loving God, my
fellow man, and his creation as best as I am able.
Regardless of the path that the Good Lord places before me,
I am going to make dang sure I try living my life with the strength and courage
of vulnerability. I intend to try to
follow the example Jenny lived. It has
taken me far too many years but I have concluded that it is the only way to
truly live that dash between my birth date and my eventual date of death… to
live a life of meaning and significance.
By doing so, I will hopefully have lived a life that will make my
daughters reflect upon with smiles when my time comes to leave this earth, just
as it has been for me with the fond memories of their mother’s life. Jenny definitely lived the dash.
